141/365

Exploring the tree
its first year...

Several times throughout the Christmas season, I find a cat under my tree. (Though there were days when I would find a cat in the tree). It's a cozy place to sleep, on the soft tree skirt, hidden amongst the presents.

Things are definitely comfier UNDER the tree!

This evening, Princess reminded me of how, as a child, I would sometimes lie under the tree. It was generally when Mom or Dad were watching something uninteresting on TV, and my brother was either already in bed or doing his own thing. I would steal away to the quiet of the living room, where our [painfully artificial but nevertheless a] Christmas tree stood, basked in the soft glow of coloured lights. If there were already presents underneath, I would slide them just out of the way. Then I would lay underneath, usually at the back where the tree started to meet up with the living room window, out of one's obvious vision.

I can't remember, now, exactly, what it was that I enjoyed about being under the tree. I know it was not some magical sparkly Christmas feeling--that's never really been my style. ...I would guess that the perspective was visually appealing. Warm, glowing colours peeking through thick green branches and garland strands of gold. My reflection looking back at me from one of Mom's antique ornaments.

Outside of that, I think it was just a nice place for a child to take some solitude during the holidays. To just let my thoughts wander... maybe hum Christmas carols to myself. I didn't come to own my introverted temperament until somewhere in junior high, and even then, I would not know the term 'introvert' until late high school. I've always known I was quiet. I've always known that I've kinda been... socially against the grain, so to speak (to greater or lesser degrees depending on the point in time). But as a child, I couldn't have possibly told you that it was because of the way my introvert brain processes the world around me, and how I use my social energy.

Every now and then, I have a memory of some behaviour or habit from childhood, that I now recognize probably existed to enhance my own learning, or to maintain social competence before I knew why interacting with people was physiologically exerting. ...I think lying under the Christmas tree was one of those things... After a full day of school--the routine of which we all know goes out the window around the holidays--plus extra concerts, parties and holiday events, and visits with family friends... quietly tucking away under the Christmas tree sounds kind of appealing.

Twenty years later, the perspective is just as visually lovely, though it's a little tight getting under there now. But I'm sure if the cat came up to cuddle, I could be convinced to stay there for five more minutes and just... be.

Year of Adventure

Somewhere in the spring of this year, I was looking ahead at all the things I had planned for the next several months: travel, work, the social scene... And I had so many exciting things planned that I thought wow; this is going to be a year of adventure! 2009 is now coming to its close, and it has been a year of adventure. A wonderful, fast year of adventure. ...I'm not going to reflect on the amazing events and activities that made up my year here. Chances are, if you follow this blog, I know you personally, and therefore, you probably shared in some of those adventures with me. If not, there are blog archives for a reason. But just as valuable as the adventures are the things I learned both from those adventures, and from my daily activities and routine.

I feel like I did a lot of growing this year. Stretched. Challenged. It's been good. Highlights?

• Relationship -- No, not romantic. Just... relationship. With God, with friends, with family, with colleagues... with people I may only ever have one interaction with... God calls us to be in relationship, and I have taken that calling especially to heart this year. I will continue to keep it on my heart going in 2010. I have been blessed with so many valuable relationships in my life.
  
• Patience -- People automatically assume that because I work with children, I must have the utmost patience. ...While it's true that I have no problem being ever-patient with children, I would not describe myself as a patient person. I don't like waiting. I like to know when, and I like to know how. ...I forget that not everything has to happen on time, let alone on my time. And I've spent a lot of time learning to trust that everything works out. I get done what needs to get done; I get where I need to be; the world doesn't end by taking a slightly more scenic route. When I can deal with that successfully, it's quite liberating. Looking forward to more of it in 2010.
  
• Flexibility -- I fall into the Type A personality category. I'm not very spontaneous. I don't always like it when my plans get thrown out the window. ...I'm getting better. Flexibility has been a trait that has been part of my job description for the last several years, and because I recognize that it's a valuable life quality, I am always trying to learn how to bend just a little bit more, or in a different direction. A lot of this past year has required that I be flexible. Uber-flexible sometimes. Some days that was easier than others. Some days I was practically a contortionist. Other days I just had no stretch left and it showed in my attitude. ...But I kinda like being a bit more bendy...
  
• Grace -- We are human and we are not perfect. And just when I get caught up in how fallible people are, and how prone to screwing up I am, the Holy Spirit moves in and floors me with His grace. His mercy and forgiveness are pure and whole and complete. His power in relationships, fellowship, and community is just... beautiful.
• Children -- I have always loved children. I have always valued children. The connection children make with important grown-ups in their life is so valuable. But that works the other way around, too. "The soul is healed by being with children" said Fyodor Dostoevsky. I don't actually know who that is, but he makes a good point. ...I lost one of my little cuties at work this year. We've had kids pass away over the years, but none that I'd ever worked with directly. It was strange to try and process. I remember being thankful that circumstances such as that were the exception and not the rule. That for the most part, our kids get stronger, and not the other way around. I wouldn't last in my job if the instances of death were not so outnumbered by amazing, inspiring, powerful instances of LIFE. It heals the soul when you connect with a child... when you can bop to Great Big Sea with your neice on a car ride... when your nephew starts calling you "aunty"... when the little ones see you from a distance and break into a run to hug you... when you sit in the river valley and blow grass and she thinks it's the funniest thing ever... Am I making the difference in their lives, or are they making a difference in mine?
• Be -- I like to do. I like to be productive. I certainly don't like to be bored. ...I don't often run myself completely off my feet, because I also don't like to be burned out. But I don't often just stop. Just sit. ...That whole "be still and know"...? It's hard. But powerful... if I can just stop myself moving.

...It has been a growing year. Thanks for growing with me. Looking forward to 2010.

Quiet Saturday Night

It is my second quiet Saturday evening in a row. Some people would think that sounds lame--I should be out--chillin' with friends; enjoying a party; going on a date, for Pete's sake. Yet, I am quite content here at home this evening. I have been working on a various photography projects and tasks, with music to set a peaceful atmosphere in which I find rest this evening rather than social connection.

Saturdays are actually my best social days. I am socially "on" throughout the week, and my 'me-time' comes only in little doses after work each day. By Friday evening, I have very few resources left with which to meet any social demands. I usually take Friday evenings to be by myself, and I like it that way. Saturdays, however, are a completely different story. I am generally spoiled with the ability to sleep in on Saturdays, which renders me well-rested. I then spend the late morning and into the afternoon puttering around my condo, and maybe--maybe--running a couple errands. Whatever my Saturday daytime agenda is, it is rarely taxing. And it is generally independent. So by the time Saturday evening rolls around, I am so ready for whatever it is I've been invited to, or have organized, or am part of.

So then why am I sitting at home tonight, you ask? Well, mostly cuz there just doesn't seem to be anything going on. And believe it or not, in the introvert's world, this is okay.

It is a delicate balance for an introvert to manage the social requirements of work and extracurricular activities throughout the week and still have enough energy for friends and weekend socializing. In high school, this balance was easy, cuz I had such a set routine which was not all that socially taxing. School was for learning, not so much for constant social interaction. And it's not like I went out anywhere in the evenings (okay, there was youth group--one evening a week; some weeks I'd love to go back to having just one evening activity!). Then I hit university and found I oscillated a bit between overdoing it socially and then having to recover over the next few days. It's tough to be an introvert whose primary love language is Quality Time. I would so often be torn between wanting to participate in whatever was going on (cuz so much had the potential to be the greatest times ever) and wanting to just spend time in my dorm room watching TV or reading a book (but then I might miss whatever cool was going on!).

Somewhere along the way, I started paying more attention to my social self. I judged how I was doing in the moment, and I started judging how the events of that day were impacting how I felt about upcoming social activities. This wasn't really a conscious decision, like "I will monitor my social behaviour", but more just a sense that I knew I had to balance myself better, so I ended up just being more 'aware' of myself socially. I started finding that I could generally tell when I was more likely to be sociable, and when I was going to need some down time. For example, I would know on the Monday of a typical work-week that I would need down time by Thursday or Friday, and would indicate this to my ex so that he would a) not take it personally, and b) not schedule us to go have supper with friends or something.

The art that is this social balance took several years to master, and I am quite proud of my ability to do so. Occasionally, I still overdo it, but those times are few and far between.

My next couple weeks are going to be a but busier than average. Lots on the extracurricular plate going on. I am looking forward to all of it, but it means I have to take into account the different social dynamic. So here's to a quiet Saturday night!

Friends, Grey's, Drinks

My Spring Break is coming to an end, and I must say, although certainly not a Lazy Spring Break, it was a good week, and it is ending so nicely.

Yesterday was a "Grey's night" (as in Grey's Anatomy) at my friend JP's place. It's usually at her place cuz she downloads the episodes (Slingbox) each week, and has recently acquired a 52" flat-screen LCD TV. Our Grey's watching is also enhanced by a really comfy couch, and yummy drinks.

Usually we watch the most recent episode, although generally I have already seen it. It is so funny to watch it a second time as my friends yell at all the characters and react at all the right spots! (I am not generally vocal at the TV; I tend to internalize the drama, and then it resurfaces in my dreams--but that's a whole 'nuther blog post.) Last night we also watched some reruns from the 3rd season (which I have not seen). So good; so intense; so Grey's.

But more than the Grey's episodes, I just love my friends so much. I have been so blessed in my friendships in the last few years, and even moreso recently, it seems. It's like as I get older (meaning my friends are older, too), there is such a more solid sense of what friendship is all about. My friendships are much more grown-up than they were even as recently as university, and because I have even more Christian friendships now than I did several years ago, that God-foundation is just so... I dunno. The word that comes to mind is 'wholesome', but that's not even it, cuz my non-Christian friendships are wholesome, too. I dunno how to really describe it. Except that it's awesome.

I wasn't popular growing up. I mean, from Junior High onwards, I had a solid group of friends and a solid sense of myself, and I moved through my teenage years quite smoothly, all things considered. But when you've spent most of elementary with 'friends' who are friends one day and bullying/making fun of you the next, I realized as an adult that it can still have an impact on your social perceptions, even if you are confident, independent, and strong. It took a long time to believe that these friends I was making in university really did want me around, weren't going to turn their backs on me, weren't going to forget me, and valued me just because I was me. Once I was at peace with that, I didn't look back.

You can imagine the "you have got to be kidding me" feeling I had when those old thought patterns crept up in the last couple years as I found myself forming some new friendships again. I recognized the faulty thinking; I told God that I knew I had absolutely no reason not to trust these people He had blessed into my life. I told Him that He needed to squash that way of thinking--get rid of it. He totally has. My friendships--best friends right through to people I am more just acquaintances with--are all so genuine. It still blows my mind some days.

Okay, so back to Grey's night. After a stressful few weeks all around, it was just such good hang out time. We laughed a lot--I love that. When I am with any of my friends, I just love when there is laughter. Pure uncontrollable giggles to remind us that God calls us to be in relationships not just to have a confidant, not just to grow spiritually, not just to learn, but for the simple enjoyment of each other. I enjoy you.

---

...And then today I was Superwoman. I helped A and JM move into new apartments. Wish I could have helped JM more--kinda had to rush and then leave early. Was babysitting this evening (not my respite family). I was Superwoman there, too, as the kids and I crushed up the ice of their back yard skating rink. I am exhausted and will be heading to bed right after I finish this post.

Tomorrow I have a Haiti meeting after church, and then I look forward to one last quiet evening before heading back into my work routine on Monday. I will kinda hit the ground running on Monday, but the Spring Break has definitely done its job, because two weeks ago, I would have been dreading it, but now I feel ready.

2008 Reflection

2008 is drawing to a close already; creike! ...I think I say that every year. But every year it continues to boggle my mind.

2008 was excellent. I rang in 2008 with a wonderful and relatively new group of friends and acquaintances. I have always been with wonderful friends at New Year’s, but ringing in the new year with more of a fellowship community was so refreshing. I got to pass the peace at New Year’s; I’d never done that before! …Definitely looking forward to the same this year.

My social involvement definitely went up this year. I continue to run the projector at church on various Sunday mornings, and have taken more of a leadership role in that ministry. I am also involved in two small groups which I thoroughly enjoy (I am among the oldest in one, and among the youngest in the other, which is a nice diversity). I continue to do respite for my ‘respite family’, and became Aunty Gina for the third time when they had their youngest back in April.

Over Spring Break, I went to visit my friends S&J in Davenport, with a
whirlwind side-trip to Chicago. It was fun to meet S&J’s little ones for the first time, and way cool to see some of the main attractions of Chicago (I think to do the city justice I’d need to stay two weeks, not two days).

I graduated in June; I am officially Gina Blank, B.Sc., M.Ed. It is so nice to be done. And NO, I don’t have any intentions of getting a Ph.D. Maybe an M.ScOT or MSLP one day several years in the future if circumstances allow. Maybe. And certainly not any time soon. Right now, I’m happy where I’m at. My role at work provides a good challenge, and while this is my second year in the same role, the daily work has enough variety that I don’t think I ever have to worry about doing the “same old, same old”. It’s never really the same day twice. If God wants me somewhere else, He’ll let me know.

I thoroughly enjoyed summer this year. I enjoy summer every year, but this was the first year where I didn’t have a “summer job”, in the typical sense. I opted to just do respite for my respite family and a couple GRIT families this year, and it was so wonderful (yes, even the five-day, four-night respite stint with the girls while N&S went to a conference in BC).

(Click on this comic to enlarge it for reading)

Doing respite gave me a way more flexible schedule as far as fitting in my own summer desires (namely, travel and sleeping in), and my days were so much more relaxed and just… nice. I was able to ride my bike to ‘work’ about half the time, which was great for the wallet, the waist line, and the environment.

I managed to get two camping trips in this summer. The first was out to Cadomin, where I nearly hiked my legs off—but still had the best time ever with wonderful friends in a wonderfully peaceful place, topped off with a visit to the Miette hot springs! In August I camped with a friend from church and her three daughters, and that was… definitely different than what I’m used to. In theory, we hiked. But I’m pretty sure we spent more time walking through the town of Banff than we did hiking through any sort of wilderness. And whereas my July camping trips are always hot with possibly a little bit of rain, my August trip was mostly rain/cloud with possibly a little bit of hot. Nothing the Banff hot springs couldn’t cure, fortunately! The August trip was also nice, because I hadn’t been in the Kananaskis area in quite a long time. We passed through and/or spent some time at locations I’d been to as a child; it was neat to see what had changed and what had stayed the same. And I got some great photos.

This summer I realized two things. 1). I love Edmonton. Sorry to disappoint all you Calgarians. I love a lot of what Calgary is; that being said, I have definitely embraced Edmonton as home. I own a condo that places me six blocks from the River Valley (which is phenomenally beautiful and peaceful), I have a job that I absolutely love, a second family that I cherish, and wonderful friends that I don’t ever want to give up. I am home here. This sort of coincides with the other realization that 2). I am in a good place. Not that I was in a bad place; I rarely am. But for quite a while, even though life was good and I was content, I was still pining for more. Constantly checking-in with God about what’s-next-what’s-next-what’s-next? But over the summer, I came to a peace just being where God has me. I still have the occasional inquiry about what God has in store for me, but it’s no longer the urgent “c’mon, let’s GO, show me NOW” kind of state.

Throughout the summer and into fall, my photography has really advanced in all areas. I was asked to take family portraits for two families that I’ve worked with, and just did some Christmas shots of my respite family’s youngest. One family at work wants me to do their portraits in the spring, as does my respite family, and the parents of one of my work families want me to ‘re-do’ some of their wedding pics. While I have no desire to get into the professional category, I am excited about the potential of this passion at the amateur level. Using the bounce flash effectively is still my biggest challenge, and I am excited to discover new techniques this year.

I am definitely looking forward to all that 2009 could possibly have in store for me; I hope your 2009 is fantastically blessed!

Intro to Introversion

So, as you are well-aware, I am an introvert (even more specifically, an ISFJ, which is described best here and here). It's one of those things that I emphasize about myself; right up there with my favourite colour and my love of cats.

I am happy as an introvert. Most of the time. Today seems to be one of those days where I've been struggling with my own temperament. I find the times I wish I were an extrovert tend to be the times where I am home alone when I feel I should be out with friends. I start feeling like I'm the only one who's at home in front of the computer or TV, and everyone else is out being social without me, when in my head I know that's not true. And I also know that I socialize plenty, and shouldn't be worrying about whether or not I'm being social 'enough'.

I think I also tend to worry that people don't really 'see' me. I've been finding lately that my socializing is always in the form of pre-arranged and set activities (like Bible study), or otherwise I've had to be the one to say, "hey, we should do X sometime soon." And my friends are always willing to make time for whatever I think up, but how come it's always me organizing this? It seems to be less often that one of my friends will Facebook or e-mail or call and say, "hey, Gina, we should do X sometime next week". Sometimes... but I feel like I have to initiate more often. Why is this? Do people think I lean towards not wanting to be social? Do they think I'd say no so why bother? Am I just not thought of right away when planning social activities?

That sounds so unconfident, I know, for someone who is quite confident of herself, and has always had a good self-esteem. But it's a realistic concern, I think. I know very well that I don't stand out in groups--I don't crave a spotlight, I'm not a squeaky wheel, and I listen more than I talk. That could very easily add up to someone who doesn't jump out on the invite list. Who knows? What I DO know is that I have been trying to spend more time putting myself 'out there'--flexing my extrovert side. Creike, it's a lot of work! I don't know how you guys do it. But then again, most extroverts don't really know how us introverts do what we do, either.

All my friends know and understand that I'm not the most gregarious person around. But I feel that only a couple of my friends really 'get' me (and they're extroverts, even). Introverts are outnumbered 3:1. Therefore, society tends to be made for the extrovert, and the introvert preference runs contrary to a lot of societally encouraged human behaviour (e.g. partying all weekend; chatting around the water cooler at work; etc.). I'm not surprised that only a couple of my friends really understand and accept the tempermental difference (and I am uber-grateful for them).

I am NOT shy. And I enjoy being social--sometimes even CRAVE social activity and connectedness with others. The major difference between introverts and extroverts is that socializing is how introverts spend energy, while it is how extroverts gain energy. Please remember that, and appreciate how much energy it takes us introverts to be in the social scene. I might turn down an invitation out if I've had a particularly busy week at work, or if the invite is too last minute. But not always. It's so wrong to assume that the introvert doesn't want to hang out with people. I want to spend my energy hanging out with my friends; they are so worth it!